Lamb Hammer

I stumbled across an interesting fact while researching for a biography of Laas Ubar, the first man to successfully market the service of tying dead bodies to logs and floating them out to sea. It turns out 60 percent of the intellectual merchant class, which came to power during the Sluice riots of 1926, were left handed.

The Spilling Season

I wrote a story when I was fifteen. It told of a boy walking on a familiar path through the woods near his home. He unintentionally stirs up a nest of underground bees and they swarm, covering every inch of his exposed flesh with stings. The pain gives way to a euphoric high, unlike anything he's experienced, and he returns to stir up the hive throughout the rest of the summer.
The story garnered high marks from my instructor at the time, but out of concern, it was passed by the guidance office. They believed the bee story was a direct reference to drug use. As a result of this unassailable logic, I was summoned before the school psychologist. During the interrogation procedure, I was asked a question which I will never forget.
"If money was no object, what would you do with your hair?"
As I pondered this, a chubby red haired girl burst into the office seeking immediate counsel. The circus was coming to our city and she desired to join its ranks as a clown. I took the opportunity to sneak away. I didn't return to the guidance office until late the following year, where the same counselor asked me,
"How is it that Satan is here in the room with us, yet he can't blow out this candle?"

Velvet Ambassador

I went to the movies recently. The girl selling tickets wouldn't look me in the eye. I took this as a warning and approached the concessions counter with an awkward grin. The help put me at ease with their effortless good looks and flirtatous attentiveness and as I approached the man who would be taking my ticket, I realized I'd forgotten which night it was. This oversight cost me my birthright, as I was to have met with my father's attorney to settle the matter of a land deal in Minsk.