The Infinite Corner

Stoney Patterson's Miracle Hacienda

2010-09-25T17:04:00.002-04:00

In an attempt to create order out of everything that's been placed in front of me, I have come to a realization that explains completely why I use anger and hesitation as a means of achieving a higher status when I'm alone. Elves make terrible farmers. That's why they always wander. This isn't something I'm just saying to be funny, I really feel it's true.

The Vertical Capture

2010-06-08T20:36:00.007-04:00

I often walk in remote areas where heavy storms have recently passed through. On many occasions I'll find objects, forced from their hiding places in the earth, lying about awaiting an unlikely discovery. One time, during a rigorous excursion into the section of boreal forest known as Klemler's Bowl, I happened upon a prehistoric man entombed within a pure and ancient chunk of ice. It was getting quite warm, so I hurried to the nearest town to fetch sandwiches and a decent set of clothing for when he thawed out. When I returned to the site, the iceman was gone. This was a poignant reminder that even the most beautiful of planets, will sometimes duck behind the sun.

Bending the Boots

2010-05-06T18:24:00.004-04:00

I was always the first in line at the Dandy Burger. This is how I mastered earth skills, and where I learned to make the clouds arrange themselves into shapes just like that Boston album cover. Later in life, I became easily manipulated by business tactics and misty eyed potato people dressed like lost journeymen involved with capitol fraud and tainted yogurt scams. Of course, my true voice is wrought from sensual brutality, a murmuring sense of reason, and free cocktails.

The Ticklish Gods

2010-04-26T11:04:00.003-04:00

Nikos Poulos was the son and only child of a Greek prostitute. His father was thought to be a sailor, probably a Dutchman. After years of moving around, Nikos and his mother settled in Liverpool, to be near the shipping industry. As a teen, he fell in with theater people and his world opened up in new and inventive ways. Inevitably, he moved to London and took on an apprenticeship under Robert Nobles, the famed apiarist known best for his work with natural adhesives. Nikos soon branched out, and enjoyed minor celebrity of his own after claiming to posses the ability to predict the future by palpating kitten ribs. At 38, he was killed instantly when he failed to properly negotiate a zebra crossing.

I Think You Might Have My Eraser

2010-04-13T10:19:00.004-04:00

The dark factory on the hill was the culmination of two principle desires of mankind. The want to build things, and the need to have a workforce to exploit. It was in a place like this that my grandfather spent eternity grinding metals into sparks. His production record was average, his wage never exceeded the minimum, and he broke his pinky toe on the steel leg of the vending machine at least once a month.

The Dredging of Goose Harbor

2010-03-25T09:53:00.004-04:00

I would like the Richard Nixon of my childhood to come back. Not as the president, but as an advocate for bicycling safety. A wiser, fitter Nixon with a nice tan, who visits schools and demonstrates how to properly secure a bike using a U lock. That's the Nixon we need right now. He will be handled by the Martin Viola Agency, which will donate a percentage of their fee to a fruit growers union just outside of Yorba Linda.

The Families of Lesser Fame

2010-03-19T10:09:00.003-04:00

This morning, I tried to affix a balloon-like temperature indicating device to the main staff of a shatterproof telemetry housing. Having forgotten to bring along the associated mounting hardware, I found myself suddenly with a loss of purpose, and no immediate means to rectify. This circumstance led me to form an argument which would compellingly justify, once and for all, the manner in which I slice sandwiches on the diagonal.

Pancake Acid

2010-03-02T18:28:00.004-05:00

After leaving Mourners Camp at eighteen, I briefly dated a girl named Buckets. She and I once took a wrong turn in a tunnel, and ended up in a vast field of gypsy cotton. The horizon seemed to stretch away forever before being swallowed up by a bluish sky. It was in these fields, which was worked upon by tiny, leathery men, where I learned how to request unlimited obedience from each of you.

From a Great Yield of Feathers

2010-02-19T18:11:00.002-05:00

If all of the fish that have been pulled from the seas were assembled in one place, formed into a cube with very little space between them, and then compressed tightly, the resulting mass would be the size of a planet. This planet could then be placed within a galaxy and become the sole source of sustenance for a giant, space entity that resembles the Canadian born actress, Anna Paquin.

Depending on Your Changing Needs

2010-02-15T22:04:00.003-05:00

I was once blindfolded and driven to a lair deep within the mountains. After a short night of sleep, and a large breakfast, I was taken to a small work room with a window view of a green valley. It was there where I boiled and dried mango seeds that would be used for percussion instruments. During the second Spring of my service, I was suddenly reassigned to linens, and had to wait an extra twenty minutes in the hamburger line.

The Merits of Functionality

2010-01-12T15:33:00.002-05:00

Today I discovered that my auto mechanic is a sensualist. It surprised me a little at first, but then I accepted it. Apparently this distinction comes with exceedingly local popularity and rewards from god.

The Discretion of Repeating Characters

2009-12-18T13:57:00.006-05:00

As a child, I was terrified of rainbows, the caterpillar's ability to transform and any apparatus required for a shoe shine. As an adult, I've learned to suspend belief in all of those things and now spend my free time alone, twirling around in the forest with the hopes of bumping into a warm meal or collectible figurines.

Monkey Priest and the Wagnerian Empath

2009-11-20T17:35:00.004-05:00

There is a sweet, sweet syrup which one need only provide the bottle for in order to enjoy it's goodness. In the village where I grew up, this was spoke of constantly. We also traded our bitter greens and root vegetables with an essentially decent group of nomads who passed through our valley every Tuesday. A mid-Elder of the group once sat me down in the hacking shed and told me the story of a god who was chased across the mountains before ascending to paradise on a sled pulled by wolves.

Surgical Chores

2009-08-31T17:16:00.004-04:00

While compiling a to-do list for the day, I ran across a story coming from the radio. A woman spoke in cautionary tones of her childhood relationship with her grandmother, who was now deceased. By her description, theirs was a love unmatched by the ages, rarer than pickled velvet. During an afternoon muscle soaking in the little room off of the parlor, the grandmother passed a tale down to her cherished companion of which the moral was lost forever. When the program ended, I began working through my list by squatting on the floor and picking pebbles from a bowl of rinsed lentils.

The Foods of Olympia

2009-06-15T11:25:00.002-04:00

There are an alarming amount of mountain trails which names begin with "The Devil's ...". But this fact isn't nearly as alarming as the moment I walked onto my second floor porch to water the fuchsia, and found a large black bear sitting, waiting for me. And the presence of this bear wasn't nearly as alarming as the words he spoke to me in a hushed and reassuring tone. And the words themselves, with their idyllic complexities and rich evidence of this animal's ability to think in abstractions, weren't nearly as alarming as the fact that this bear was indeed speaking at all, and to me, on my second floor porch.

The Difficult Swing

2009-05-14T23:05:00.002-04:00

In forgetting about a train ride this past winter, I took the time to remember the first time I walked with the Lady Margaret down the berm of loose shale leading to her father's salt enclosures at the mouth of the Sadent River. Her youngest brother trailed behind us wearing a Who t shirt a size too large, being a gift from the next brother up. When we'd all reached the retaining gate, I produced a flint nodule from deep within the folds of my baffling cloak and broke it wide open with one swift motion. Everything that spilled forth now exists in a museum.

Slave Sandwich

2009-04-15T01:12:00.003-04:00

I was never looking for something. And that's exactly what I got. It wasn't until the over-realm that I was saved in seven ways to the future. A future that forgot everything, and at the same moment sent it all straight back to nothing. That is where the hands clamped upon my wrists...that's where the love went. All that clamoring into the well of the fantastic never-ending carnival, where the dying are covered in clouds, and the exhausted wait it out, too shy to feel, but happier than the starving.

The Glazing of the Hens

2009-01-07T21:53:00.003-05:00

Once upon a time there was a highway. It went on for hundreds of miles through an arid land. The people whose lives the highway impacted were too poor to afford automobiles. Because of this, half of the population was enraged and took to destroying vast sections of the road whenever they could summon the energy. The other half devoted their lives to restoring the road and beautifying the surrounding landscape with dry weeds. A hero rose out of this situation and he is said to live among us, but he always needs a ride.

The Devil and the Farmer

2008-12-22T14:41:00.004-05:00

Today I was compelled to climb the mountain near my home. During the ascent, I discovered footsteps in the snow joining the trail at an impossible location. Before continuing upward, I ate half of the cheese sandwich I'd brought and double checked my supply of lithium batteries for my headlamp. In the moments that followed, it occurred to me that I had neglected to leave a tip for the oil man.

An Accurate Misconception

2008-11-20T19:31:00.003-05:00

I've spent a fortune on optics, and when batteries die too quickly, I look to the skilled minds of elite operators in the world of micro technologies. It is only through their instinctive mastery of a little known, ancient and unconventional art form, that I know my family will be safe.

The Threat of Progress

2008-10-23T12:41:00.002-04:00

In going over my biographical notes on 14th century prince Friscus Ketlers, I discovered a curious tale. It seems that straight after his schooling in Riga, he embarked upon a journey covering the entire Silk Road with his closest friend and confidant, Avi Norsky. Having left his wealth behind in order to avoid bandits, Friscus had to pimp Avi out to post-Mongol storm farmers for food and shelter. In the end, Friscus returned to Riga alone and settled down with Avi's beautiful childhood love Mara. He spent the rest of his life attempting to publish an account of the journey which he titled the Black Chronicle.

Hovering Precision

2008-09-17T16:07:00.004-04:00

Today I drove the car into a bank building. It was a simple error in judgement and as that type of situation makes me uncomfortable, I feigned unconsciousness while the bank patrons spilled out into the street to see what was the matter. While I sat there with my eyes closed and head back, I had a vivid memory of being in my grandfathers hunting shed. I watched as he used a tweezer to carefully extract #4 buckshot from a quail he'd brought down in his hayfield. He whistled the tune to Over the Rainbow as he carefully dropped each tiny piece of lead into a deep mason jar.

Song of the Milkworm

2008-09-06T10:44:00.005-04:00

This morning I sat on a rise just above the transfer station with a pump action air rifle unloading round after round into a discarded pie tin . Anyone wandering by seemed to understand that this was my time, and I was left alone. At lunchtime, I made my way out to the orchard at the bend of the mill road and gorged on peaches and wild blackberries. I dozed for the rest of the afternoon in the blazing sun. An orgy of weasels woke me with their scampering about the low mountain path in a frenzied search for finch eggs.

Muddled Well

2008-08-06T17:39:00.000-04:00

I once headed out into the countryside near the North Sea. After walking for miles and miles I arrived at a lonely beach scattered with flint nodules and breakage. The sea was quiet and peaceful but soon I was thirsting for refreshment. On the trip back I stumbled upon a pair of lovers in the tall reeds and inquired about any local pubs that might be suitable. Their faces were blushed yet they managed to steer me in the direction of a very fine place near the village. On the way I noticed the wind had changed direction and the seabirds were heading to their night nestings. When I arrived at the pub my host plied me with strong ales and kippered veal. I can't remember ever being happier.

The Regrettable Purchase

2008-07-11T10:45:00.000-04:00

A friend I hadn't seen in years caught my eye at the marketplace today. After we embraced and did some quick catching up, he shifted the tone and asked if I had ever tasted the high meat. I admitted that I hadn't and we parted. On the walk home I took a small tumble near the dingle and bruised my ripe mangoes.

Romulus and Lollipop

2008-06-19T00:26:00.000-04:00

One of my cats keeps tearing my flesh with his claws. Of course he's not to blame, I put my hand out when his tail is twitching side to side. That invites an attack and there's no use getting angry about it anymore. Instead, I give him a treat, and when he settles down I spend time with him on the kitchen floor. This usually holds his attention long enough for me to tell him how much I struggle each day and how I wish to bring him on the drives and walks and bicycle rides that have become my permanent model of proximal exploration in this age of fundamental misunderstandings.

The Exquisite Slum

2008-06-06T11:30:00.000-04:00

Late last year I took work assessing the effectiveness of an experimental rust prohibitive for use on naval vessels. The company offered me an assistant to help with the task but I politely refused, citing a violation of principal. Two weeks into the work, I noticed some lower back pain along with increased social anxiety. I gave it one more week and withdrew from the project. In the report to my superiors I failed to document my findings properly, yet I received a bonus package far beyond anything I'd expected.

Hut of Wits

2008-05-09T18:43:00.000-04:00

I was there when the first species was denied entrance to paradise. Although I was not in a position to offer council or alternative locations, I worked hard to make it easier on them. Fortunately, they hadn't traveled all that far to get there so they decided to turn around and head home. It was a far better place and they knew it. After they'd left, I decided it would have been a good idea to go with them. Instead, I stayed and continued working on a separation device. Word came back that they'd all perished in a freak storm and they were soon forgotten.

Interfering with Delay

2008-04-10T15:01:00.000-04:00

Last night I stayed at a small place in the hills. I awoke at three a.m. to the sound of falling trees. They were cutting down the orchard and wouldn't explain why. It was raining very hard and I was unable to get a clear sound recording for my principal diaries. I spent the rest of the morning in the tavern listening to the loneliest woman in the world. She was crying the whole time. I guess that happens when you finally get to tell your story.

The Red Staircase

2008-03-17T20:38:00.000-04:00

While researching an identifying model for cross-cultural metaphors, I stumbled across a very rare manuscript. It is a testimonial dating back to the reign of Khafre, during the construction of his pyramid. The author was Khafre's master of oils, and he gives an account of hearing the laughter of slaves across the camp fires on a cool, dry evening as he waits for the blood to drain from a freshly killed civet. Much of the text is missing, so in an attempt to connect his thoughts, I imagine him on tip toes straining to hear what's so funny already.

Tunnel Design

2008-01-28T20:43:00.000-05:00

As I child I would take my play time in areas I assumed were mine alone. Quite often, I was galled by the intrusion of animals into these places. Having been the youngest of four, I wasn't inclined to share. A neighborhood farmer shared my plight and intervened on my behalf. His action hastened me toward a career in poisons.

Micro Derelict

2008-01-17T16:32:00.000-05:00

I wish my parents had told me that I had a brother. That is, a brother other than the two I knew of, along with my sister. However, I found out that there was another brother who was older than all of us. A prototype, hidden away in a dark room filled with hair clippings and old magazines until a small accident at my fathers rendering facility revealed him. I resent the secrecy, but I plan to embrace him regardless.

The Forgotten Terminal

2008-01-08T20:59:00.000-05:00

I've reached a point in my life where I'm committed to simple cottons as a year round garment choice. There are warnings about spending the entire winter season in this diverse yet affordable material. I have chosen to snub this advice in much the same way I seek alternative methods of turnip preparation in order to avoid boredom and starvation. I find you can coax a natural sweetness from any root vegetable by using a little pocket device favored by galley chefs on the riverboats of the early frontier.

Christ and His Oils

2007-12-12T15:58:00.000-05:00

My favorite tales from childhood were those of Commodore Second Class Augustus L. Pennytoast and his ship The Vengeance. His adventures upon the high seas, under the flag of Her Majesty , gave me inspiration and nightmares that have lasted to this day. The tale I held in the highest esteem was that in which Commodore Pennytoast was captured and imprisoned by dreadful pirates. In order to curry favor with the guards, he recreated the pirate captain in effigy using a cask bung, some wax and his own pubic hair. Of course this was all in vain, as there was a kraken lurking in the cold, watery shadows beneath the hull. The disruptions that ensue give me immeasurable joy, and my hands still shake when feeding the gulls.

The Abscent Harvest

2007-11-04T11:27:00.000-05:00

While staying with my grandmother as a child, I can recall desiring a feast of sticky breads. However, I was served bitter beans and a bowl of pale broth. My dissatisfaction continued throughout my childhood until one day I was introduced to a salad of fiddle-heads and lamb. From that point it got easier. I gave my notice at the prawn yards, and took a trip into the interior with my fathers arc rifle.

Heap of Empty Pockets

2007-10-20T13:58:00.000-04:00

Within the tribal population of Papua New Guinea's Asaro valley region, there is a culturally imposed law regarding yams and growing boys. The yams and boys possess equally potent spirits. To speak the spirit's name in the yam garden or near the initiation hut is expressly forbidden. The unique nature of this situation creates an environment of guilt and shame for anyone who has difficulty holding their tongue during the imbibition ritual. During my last visit, I took note that many of the tribesmen spent days on end wearing ball gags while locked in tiger cages.

Beacon of Failure

2007-10-09T19:20:00.000-04:00

You can't walk the train tracks anymore. A series of condominium developments abut these DNA-like strands of quiet contemplation, and the occupants have been complaining about undesireables looking in on Sunday dinners. I recall many a walk alone, each tie conjuring up dreams of travel, escape and undetermined futures. Now even just crossing the tracks may bring the law into your personal space. Unless you crave the fires of confrontation, I can't see how that would appeal to your average wanderer. So we now we'll seek alternate routes toward our mysteries, and dream out of context, while the hiss of the bread truck gliding across the wet road bears down upon our souls.

Coming Home

2007-09-07T16:42:00.000-04:00

Today I interrogated the whores who work in the parking lot near my doctor's office. I asked if their lives have improved since the smoking ban went city-wide. Their answers weren't what I'd expected. A little white girl, no more then nineteen, came at me all fists and spit. She was screaming something about her mothers asthma and the divine wisdom inherent in the efforts of Homeland Security in the Bronx. I stepped out of her way, and settled her down with a quick blow to the back of the head using a piece of cinder block I'd been hiding in the lower leg pocket of my cargo pants. The lot cleared immediately, and I never got my answer. Looking up I realized, I'd never seen a bluer sky.

Lamb Hammer

2007-08-21T21:53:00.000-04:00

I stumbled across an interesting fact while researching for a biography of Laas Ubar, the first man to successfully market the service of tying dead bodies to logs and floating them out to sea. It turns out 60 percent of the intellectual merchant class, which came to power during the Sluice riots of 1926, were left handed.

The Spilling Season

2007-08-10T14:15:00.000-04:00

I wrote a story when I was fifteen. It told of a boy walking on a familiar path through the woods near his home. He unintentionally stirs up a nest of underground bees and they swarm, covering every inch of his exposed flesh with stings. The pain gives way to a euphoric high, unlike anything he's experienced, and he returns to stir up the hive throughout the rest of the summer.
The story garnered high marks from my instructor at the time, but out of concern, it was passed by the guidance office. They believed the bee story was a direct reference to drug use. As a result of this unassailable logic, I was summoned before the school psychologist. During the interrogation procedure, I was asked a question which I will never forget.
"If money was no object, what would you do with your hair?"
As I pondered this, a chubby red haired girl burst into the office seeking immediate counsel. The circus was coming to our city and she desired to join its ranks as a clown. I took the opportunity to sneak away. I didn't return to the guidance office until late the following year, where the same counselor asked me,
"How is it that Satan is here in the room with us, yet he can't blow out this candle?"

Velvet Ambassador

2007-08-02T18:43:00.000-04:00

I went to the movies recently. The girl selling tickets wouldn't look me in the eye. I took this as a warning and approached the concessions counter with an awkward grin. The help put me at ease with their effortless good looks and flirtatous attentiveness and as I approached the man who would be taking my ticket, I realized I'd forgotten which night it was. This oversight cost me my birthright, as I was to have met with my father's attorney to settle the matter of a land deal in Minsk.